Love in the time of Covid

Three years ago you drew your last breath. 

Alone. In your long term care-home without the people who loved you around you.

Devoid of the people who loved you holding your hand or stroking your cheek, in the absence of your dear ones telling you they loved you or assuring you everything was going to be alright.

In fact none of us could say if it was ever going to be alright again.

Two weeks in to the Covid Pandemic the world had essentially shut down, people stayed home, traffic stopped, the streets emptied, airplanes were grounded and thus began a time of separation and loneliness for many.

Did you know what  had befallen the world? 

Were you afraid?

Did you feel abandoned? 

Did you know that we were not allowed to visit you? 

And that it was too late to do so when you went towards the light?

Did you know that we tried to call you but as you were unable to answer your phone yourself and because the phone lines to the nurses’ desk went unanswered you did not hear our loving voices ?

Or was your foggy, elderly brain protecting you from having these thoughts?

Did you go in to the light and dream beautiful dreams of your childhood dog Skippy? Did you see yourself dancing on your father’s feet? Were you singing  as you always did? Did you see your babe on your lap or your handsome groom coming down the aisle?

The night before your passing I connected with all my cousins with whom we all gathered so many times.

I asked them to imagine them holding your hand, I requested that everyone mentally tell you how much we loved and appreciated you, How much we learned and how much you meant to each and every one of us. I beseeched them to thank you for the love and laughter and to tell you we understood if you had to go.

The next morning you left this earth and I comforted myself by wishing to believe you had felt us.

They say we are all made of electricity and I hope upon hope that we were all connected in that moment and that you were not alone. I like to think that you chose that morning to leave exactly because you had felt us.

Years ago you and I had seen a play in which the main character passed away while her children circled her bed and sang to her as if they were singing her to sleep.

I have always remembered how beautiful that was and as you grew older and weaker I had promised myself that was how it would be when your time came however Covid had a different game  plan.

I miss you today as I do every day but tonight I will climb on your lap while you sing me a song and afterwards I will hold your hand and sing “Partons la mer est belle …….”  As it should have been . 

August 2020

August 2020,

Let’s see… Where are we?

The coronavirus-19 is still killing people all over the world by the thousands.

Many borders are still closed. Racism is rampant. Millions have no jobs. The hospitality and travel business has gone to shit.  Our  children came home from school one Friday in March and never went back and continue to face uncertain plans for “classroom ” education in the fall.

There is a madman in the White House, our Governor  General is allegedly treating her employees like garbage

and now even talk-show host Ellen, idolized by too many, seems to be falling down.

I still haven’t been able to see my dad since before he lost his wife my mother four months ago. I still haven’t been able to hug my daughter or my friends. 

Yet, every evening I make the walk to the beach at the end of my street and every night I am amazed, comforted and calmed  by the spectacular sunset.   🌅 

At the end of each day Mama Nature  never disappoints. She slowly dims  the lights, calms the winds, basks me in her golden glow and whispers in to my ear that everything is going to be all right. 

She follows up with a blanket of stars ⭐️ that covers and envelopes my little world and somehow protects me for one more sleep. 

Still yet,

Each morning finds me sitting on my back deck with cup of Java in hand,   ☕️ listening to the rustle of leaves and the incredible bird song. The birds never disappoint. They continue their morning ritual unfettered by all that’s wrong with the world. They fill me with hope and joy and hope. 

« Don’t Look Back, You’re Not Going That Way »

Happy Canada Day!

Happy Canada Day!!~ Bonne Fête du Canada!

Today I am a proud Canadian . I appreciate that our beautiful country is built on displacement of the original nations of this land however so I celebrate with respect and reflection .

I will wear my red and white, heck I might even wear my toque, however I will inflect some orange . I will say please and thank you every where I go, I will end all my sentences with “eh” I will drink some Molsen Canadian, after I have drank my Tim’s, I will eat poutine after I have had my bacon, I will change my clothes 4 times to accommodate the weather , I will talk about the weather, I will let cars in in front of me, I will ooh and aah at the firework display, I will listen to Great Big Sea. I will reflect on how incredibly fortunate I am .

canadaday2022 #everychildmatters

Just Dance

It’s been awhile since I have dared to put pen to paper…

I am always afraid of the emotions lying in my subconscious,  yet days like today, I yearn for my fingers to take over and fly across the keyboard to discover what exactly it is I am feeling.

As I come to terms with the letters appearing on my screen it occurs to me I am feeling angst, sadness and guilt yet, joy and hope. I am a sucker for hope.

Two years ago as the world hit pause with the beginning of the pandemic I wrote  “Looking In”

Looking-in…

This time last year incredibly thankful to our front line heroes and grateful for a vaccine I wrote “I See You”.

I See YOU/ Ode to the 2020 Heroes

I am distressed at the idea that as human beings still we learn nothing!

In most countries right now pandemic restrictions are lifting, bars and restaurants are once again able to regale their patrons with wonderful tastes and aromas and the sound of clinking glasses. The curtains are lifting in theatres, the lights are shining in establishments long closed and sports arenas will soon be filled with the audible rush of cheering fans. This SHOULD be a time for celebration for accolades for high fives and slaps on the back to a job well done! 

Now Russia is pillaging, plundering, annihilating Ukraine.

Has there not been enough pain? Is that what the world was waiting for ? 

My heart aches and summersaults and my head shakes at the mundane things that continue to happen to those who are lucky enough to walk down the street without the fear of being harmed, of leaving their home knowing that it will still be there when they come home. Of saying good bye to their family members knowing they will see them again soon. Of baby showers and welcoming new babies to peaceful and lovingly decorated nurseries.

What shall I make for dinner? Is my favourite coffee place still open at this hour? Should I switch to a different shampoo ? Shall I wear the blue or the red? No matter, which ever I choose I feel guilty at this plethora of choices I am free to make. 

Even before the very first Ukranian Refugee crossed the border,  82 million people globally had been forced from their homes. The highest number on record. This number includes over 6 million Syrians (the world’s largest population of refugees), over 1 million Rohingyas from Myanmar and 48 million forced from their homes by conflict and violence displaced within their own countries in Yemen, in Somalia, in Afghanistan, in Ethiopia and so many more places. (Source @angelinajolie)

A compassionate, even only – slightly aware person can be crushed by the weight of this. One can only donate and purchase so many things with the hope it will aide someone.

It is our duty to find joy.

It produces endorphins and can be contagious and ….just like hope,  it should not be taken from you. 

So here is what I do. 

I dance.

I let the music wash over me, I let my body sway, tremble and stomp. I spin till I am dizzy, jump till I am giddy, I imagine the people I love most dancing with me, holding my hand and laughing with me. I let it all go…. the weight of it all…the ugliness of it all…

I just dance for brief bits of time in to the light …

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am grateful for the morning sun streaming through my not – so – clean window.

For my old house which brings me joy.

For my morning coffee.

For the gifts of beautiful sunsets no matter the day. 

For my health .

For my massive richness of family, friends and neighbors.

For the ocean at my almost doorstep.

For the rustle of leaves on my majestic old trees and their glorious colour in autumn.

For a job that I love.

For a Covid Vaccine.

For living in a free country .

For my love and our daughter. 

For being able to read and write and comprehend the world around me.

For my general safety.

For clean water. 

For modern medicine.

For knowing love and knowing how to give it.

For all the moments that make me laugh until I snort.

For the feeling of my dancing body.

For bird song.

For the beauty of flowers and waterfalls.

For hot chocolate.

For the squirrels chasing each other around my back yard. 

For looking forward to tomorrow . 

What are you thankful for ? 

I See YOU/ Ode to the 2020 Heroes

In “Looking In”, which I wrote in March 2020 I referenced how Mother Nature had banished us all to our rooms in the form of the Pandemic as we were all behaving like spoiled children.

https://thebookofjude.wordpress.com/2020/03/15/looking-in/

As we are now the first week in the oh- so- long awaited New Year I cannot help but reflect on all the things I have learned in 2020, all the people I am incredibly grateful for and how like it or not I still feel some gratitude to the year that took my mother and two uncles, stole my job, prevented me from visiting my father, robbed me of hugs from family and friends and kept me home.

I am not a health care provider nor an essential service provider. I did what I was told and I stayed home but that doesn’t mean I didn’t see YOU! All of YOU who were in it.

I stayed home so I know I did my part in that way but it doesn’t feel like enough so not for the first time when I am at a loss…I press my fingers to the keyboard to say thank YOU. I see YOU.

To the Healthcare Workers, I am incredibly thankful to YOU as you stepped up beyond anything YOU had likely ever imagined.  I know that not being by my mom’s side in her last hours was not any easier on those of YOU who were in the trenches with many a- moms and dads during their last hours. 

To the truck drivers, farmers, grocery store workers and pharmacy workers YOU likely have not been told enough times how grateful I am that YOU were there. To YOU and this aforementioned group I bow-down. When so many were saying they were simply sick of hearing about Covid you did not have the luxury to “switch it off” . 

To the Parents who became overnight full time educators and technical wizards to deliver that education YOU are Superstars!

To the kids who did  not get to their prom night or their graduation and to the children who could not spend time with their little friends I am so very proud of YOU!

To the artists and entertainers who provided free concerts on social media I am beholding to YOU for continuing to do what YOU do so well and feeding our home- bound, Netflix binge-watched souls with light and hope.

To our Government who has been criticized and reproached, I give thanks for the unemployment insurance, the emergency relief, the direction and the protocols. I cannot imagine doing YOUR job in 2020.

To the world for coming together to work on a Covid Vaccine, Bravo! 

To my incredible husband and our equally formidable  health care worker daughter (and for a time grocery provider) Merci pour tout!

To my papa for doing everything on his own you are an Iron Man!

To all my friends and family with whom I Zoomed and talked on the phone with and Face-Timed and enjoyed late night philosophic “Messenger” conversations and virtual cocktails, thank YOU for staying connected and demonstrating the true meaning of being together while being apart. 

I see YOU

Jude 

Related Posts by Jude

We’ve Got This! Ça va bien aller

Looking-in…

Happy Thanksgiving 2020

It’s hard to feel thankful this year so let’s be thankful for the tiniest moments of joy that creep in with the sunlight filtering in the cool mornings‘ foggy windows. 

Let’s be grateful for the abundance of music so attainable to us through social media, for the steam rising off your fresh coffee in the morning, the pop of the cork being pulled from the wine bottle, the plethora of Netflix Shows, the sound of the book spine cracking as you fold it back to the next chapter.

Let’s be comforted with the memories of our loved ones and the lovely memories we have yet to create because there will be better times ….
-Jude 

We’ve Got This! Ça va bien aller

August 2020,

Let’s see… Where are we?

The coronavirus-19 is still killing people all over the world by the thousands.

Many borders are still closed.
Racism is rampant. Millions have no jobs. The hospitality and travel business has gone to shit.  Our children came home from school one Friday in March and never went back and continue to face uncertain plans for “classroom ” education in the fall.

There is a madman in the White House, our Governor  General is allegedly treating her employees like garbage and now even talk-show host Ellen, idolized by too many, seems to be falling down.

I still haven’t been able to see my dad since before he lost his wife my mother four months ago. I still haven’t been able to hug my daughter or my friends.

Yet, every evening I make the walk to the beach at the end of my street and every night I am amazed, comforted and calmed  by the spectacular sunset. 🌅

At the end of each day Mama Nature  never disappoints. She slowly dims  the lights, calms the winds, basks me in her golden glow and whispers in to my ear that everything is going to be all right.

She follows up with a blanket of stars ⭐️ that covers and envelopes my little world and somehow protects me for  one more sleep.

Still yet,

Each morning finds me sitting on my back deck with cup of Java in hand,   ☕️ listening to the rustle of leaves and the incredible bird song. The birds never let me down. They continue their morning ritual unfettered by all that’s wrong with the world. They fill me with hope and joy !

Where are you finding your hope and joy?

Hope

A year ago today my husband had his life changing /life saving surgery .

I remember the Sun was shining as brightly as it is today. The Sun gave me hope and peace .

10 hours later the Sun was dipping. The post surgical nightmare was upon us. Our little family was assailed with worries and fears that were difficult to articulate or comprehend.

Months went by and though our fears and scars remained we started to relax a little. The Sun continued to come up. We slightly dropped our armour by a few millimetres, we began planning a few days’ in to the future.

One year later the Sun is shining. Despite the unprecedented event we are living, aside from the incredible uncertainty, not withstanding a hopefully temporary loss in revenue the Sun gives me hope. I have learned to embrace the situation we are in and to try to remedy as much as I can with kindness. I have learned that we are all stronger than we can ever imagine.

I have learned that how dark the sky can be … the Sun comes up again.

Sure, I have moments of wanting to throw my arms up in the air and shouting Enough!

But the Sun 🌞 gives me hope.

What gives you hope ?

Looking-in…

It’s a Sunday afternoon on what will be remembered as the first real week of “social distancing” here in Atlantic Canada.

Amid the shakes of the head at the toilet paper hording, the fear of lost business, the worry of loved ones trying to return to Canada and the angst over older family members who cannot receive visitors,  there is the desire to do the right thing by staying home and doing our absolute best to contain this virus that is wreaking havoc on our already burdened medical system and our ailing planet in our usually overstuffed, rich homes.

Oh so humbling to us First World Countries who are not accustomed to not having what we want when we want it. In particular,  we are not in the habit of not being able to go where we want to go no matter how big the crowd without worrying about stepping in harm’s way.

Let’s reflect on that for a moment.

I’ll wait.

I think maybe Mother Nature has decided to put her spoiled children in a “time-out” for a yet to be determined amount of time.  She is putting us in the corner on our knees to think about the damage we have been doing to the earth. She is making us write “I will not continue to waste and over-purchase” a thousand times on the black-board and is forcing us to use a little less fuel by grounding us.

Good Mother Earth has essentially banished us to our rooms and will not allow us to come out until we have thought about our greedy selves. Until we realize how precious our health is and until we promise to eat healthy, exercise and be kind to one another we will not get our dinner.

Let us use this time of self isolation to reflect inward. Let us become smarter and kinder …

I’ll wait….